A Fool to Fly
by i-nv-u50
Summary: Shounen Ai, Zell/Squall. sequel to Pathetic Fool. Squall's POV. Zell's been avoiding Squall, but Squall wont have that... so what does he do to fix it?


Disclaimer: All characters belong to Squaresoft.

Warning: Shounen ai, Zell/Squall

A/N: I am so sure I got the tensing wrong, so if it jumps from one tense to another, please forgive me ;.; I hate doing tenses …

Anyway, I might have done Squall slightly out of character, but ah well… he's cute like this anyway ^^;

Keep an eye out for the sequel and final in the trilogy!!

Cheers and chocobos!! ^^

He's avoiding me. Zell. Is. Avoiding. Me. He never avoids me. If I pulled crap like that with Rinoa, she might avoid me. But I didn't think Zell would.

**He's one of the few people I trust, which is what, all of 6 people? That's a lot of people right there. But Zell, I thought he was different than that.**

**He's usually so impulsive and hot tempered, and even though it can be annoying at some times, it can be just plain heartening at others, like times when you really need it.**

**Hyne knows how he managed to wriggle his way through my wall more than any of the others, but he did. If he was a girl, and I didn't know Rinoa, who knows? But as that hasn't happened, he's merely my best friend. And now he wants more?**

**Don't get me wrong, I do love Rinoa. It's just that she doesn't really understand what being a _professional_ fighter is all about. She wasn't trained for it since childhood, like the rest of us.**

**She's gone to Timber again. Actually, I sent her there. There are some minor uprisings still, and she's sure that Zone and that other guy, what's his name? Are there. I sent Selphie and Quistis with her, just in case you know. I mean, Rinoa is a sorceress and most people still don't like those.**

**I didn't send Irvine because I have this feeling that he's going to be needed for a sniper's mission in a while. He needs a break besides; he just came back from a tough assignment.**

**And Zell … Well, I didn't send him merely because if neither Rinoa nor Zell is here, then I'd go crazy. Well, not really, but you get the idea. It'll all be too much, etc etc. **

**But the way he's avoiding me, he might as well not be here.**

**He said he loves me.**

**I'm still trying to process that thought even now, 3 weeks later. **

**It's been three weeks. And I saw him this morning for the first time in 2. He's gotten pretty good at avoiding me, considering how good I am at finding people when I want to talk to them. Which isn't often, mind you. Another thing that works is sending someone to find him. So far he's been able to avoid Nida, and Xu and Dr Kadowaki. So I sent Irvine after him. He won't be able to avoid Irvine: _no one_ avoids Irvine if he doesn't want him or her to. And when Irvine came in before Zell, to announce him, as is custom, he looked so disapproving that I immediately felt guilty. Not that it was my fault, but still…**

**But when Irvine announces Zell, and he comes in, glowering and almost crouching in defense mode, I can see why Irvine looks so bad tempered.**

**Zell looks, not to put too fine a point on it, awful. He's so pale; the shadows under his eyes are as black as his tattoo, which stands out in stark relief of the whiteness. His body looks as well as it ever did, except he has more scars now than he did before, which means he's been going out to fight tougher monsters than the local ones. Which means, in turn, that he has been traveling without permission, which could get him confined. He's thinner by far, his jacket hanging off of what looks like thinner shoulders. And his eyes … they're dead to the world. **

**Irvine salutes me, gives Zell one more concerned glance which he returns blankly and exits, leaving me alone with Zell, who's just staring at the wall.**

**This is completely the wrong thing for Zell to do. He isn't even fidgeting. Zell. Mister Hyper Active Teen Boy. Not moving. What the hell is wrong with him?**

**The silence draws out longer, and I'm searching for a reason to have called him. If I had told him the truth – that I'd missed him – who knows what would have happened. I'm not used to putting myself on the spot like that, he'd have obviously wanted to know why when he hadn't been on any missions, and what would I say then?**

**He finally turns to me. "What do you want, Commander?"**

**No Squall, no 'baby', none of the other names he calls me. Or used to. Commander. So formal, and from him … so wrong.**

**"…" Why can't I talk to him?**

**"If that's all, Commander…" he turns to leave, and I take an impulsive step towards him. He freezes.**

**"Zell… please…"**

**"Yes Commander?" his voice is cool, calm and collected, not a hint of the cheerful teasing that under toned his voice when he usually called me that.**

**"What's wrong, Zell? Why are you avoiding me?" the questions roll out, my tongue having no difficulty forming the words when usually they would stick.**

**"I don't know what you're talking about, Commander."**

**And as I stand there, still desperately thinking of what to say, he leaves.**

**Just like that. He left. He left … me. Alone.**

**After a few minutes of trying to get myself and my breathing under control, I went back to the mission sheets. **

**Commanders aren't usually allowed to do in-field work, but this one might be able to wrangle up a mission that only needed two people … **

**A few hours later, I hit enter and the printer started to print out a mission statement, made specifically for him and me. It was some minor mission in Esthar, and I, being the President's only son, could get top priority in choices, especially with the highest ranking of Commander. I'd leave Cid and Nida in charge, with Irvine and Xu there to back them up. It would only take a week and a few days, the statement said.**

**And Zell wouldn't be able to refuse. **

**After calling up Cid and Nida, and telling them I wanted this job, they heard my reasons and gave it to me, assigning me with Zell.**

**I picked up Lionheart from where it was always placed behind my desk, ready at hand, and left to go packing. Cid and Nida would inform Zell.**

**He wasn't too happy about it. He didn't talk to me the whole ride there. Or on the way to the palace. He said hello to Laguna and Kiros and Ward, and he went to his room. Not one word from him to me directly.**

**After months of association, I can finally say this about my father: he's silly, he's a moron, but he's funny in a weird way, and he really does mean well. So it must have been a mistake on his Public Relations Secretary to room me with Zell. In the whole palace, you'd think that being Laguna's son would entitle me to my own room. There are certainly enough rooms to choose from.**

**Apparently not. Zell uttered a short squeak when I entered his room, still frowning, and when I explained to him in words that were kind of difficult to get out, because even I knew how stupid they sounded, he didn't look too thrilled at all. He just looked uneasy.**

**Luckily though, the room did have a bathroom attached, which meant, thank Hyne, that we wouldn't be walking around the palace getting lost in our towels. I suppose if the situation did arise, we'd always take clothes with us to change …**

**We went to bed early that night. The mission wasn't supposed to start until tomorrow, when we'd have to escort a few important people, guard some important documents, etc etc. And when I flipped the lights off, there was no sound from Zell. Usually there would be chatter, even if he were only mumbling to himself about something. I used to wake up during the night when we were roommates, and he's nearly always be mumbling about flying. Or being able to. As a kid, I wasn't open to new ideas, but this one had me thrilled. And then I grew up. Well, sort of. The day that kid called me Mr back in Dollet … I was so annoyed… and Zell and Irvine were laughing so hard …**

**I was 17 then. Am 18 now. Do I really seem that old? …**

**Whatever.**

**But now, there was nothing but Zell's breathing. Zell's … breathing. Something was wrong. His breath wasn't coming easily, it sounded like he was having difficulty breathing.**

**"Zell?" I whisper, concerned, my voice coming out too loud for the quiet room.**

**The breathing stops for a second, before starting to speed up and the forcibly slow down. I can actually imagine Zell forcing his own breathing to slow down.**

**What was wrong?**

**In a mood that was as rare for me as it was infrequent, I crawl out of bed and feel my way to his, kneeling by its side.**

**He was facing the wall, away from me, so he didn't notice me come up.**

**"Zell?" I murmur, touching his shoulder lightly.**

**He must have jumped a foot, hard as it was to do that while lying on your side.**

**"Fuck, Squall, don't _do_ that!"**

**I smiled in triumph. He had called me Squall. Everything was ok again. "Sorry."  I tell him, not meaning it in the least. "Zell, why have you been avoiding me?"**

**He's quiet for a while, but I don't mind. I know how long it can take to find words, especially illusive ones, firsthand. **

**So I wait for him to answer, letting him take his time. I also know how annoying it is when people rush you when you want to find the right words to say.**

**He finally answers. "Squall … I'm sorry."**

**I blink. That wasn't really expected.**

**"It's just …" he continues. "It's just that sometimes it hurts so much to see you … have you never felt like that? When you want something so badly that it hurts even talking about it because you know you'll never have it.. and that there's no point in trying because you know you don't stand a chance …"**

**I take my time letting it sink in, and I venture out into the real world, where pain and uncertainty abound. "Yes. I have felt like that once …" the words tumble on each other in an effort to explain and not sound stupid at the same time. "I wanted to … wanted to fly away … with you … so badly … I wanted … I wanted to be your friend then … and not have any responsibilities… I hate responsibilities Zell…" I trail off. I really had no idea where I was going. I think I succeeded in what Seifer has been trying to do for years. Make me look like an idiot. Well, at least it was another one up on him. **

**Zell looked away. "When…?"**

**I hesitate. "Back when we were 15 … You used to talk in your sleep, you know? … And you nearly always said something about flying …"**

**I couldn't be sure, but Zell might have blushed in the dim light that was filtering through under the closed door. I hoped he did. He looks cute when he blushes …**

**"Squall?" he called my name softly. "Squall? You still with us?"**

**"Yea…" Abruptly I stand up, and shaking my head vigorously and back up to my bed. "Go to sleep, Zell." **

**Damnit. I think my voice wobbled. It hasn't done that since … since … ever.**

**I climb under the covers as he sits up in bed. "Squall? Are you ok?"**

**"No." I answer shortly, turning to face the wall. "I don't think I will be at all tonight. Or tomorrow. Or the next day. Or even the day after that."**

**He hesitates, and I hear him swing his legs over the bedside. "Squall? What's wrong?"**

**"I don't know." I'm turning back into commander again. Direct, to the point, defensive to a fault.**

**And, shit!, he's coming towards me. **

**Now, I'm not very religious or anything, but I honestly almost started praying that he'd ignore me and get back into his own bed. I just wanted to be left alone …**

**Alone. I hate being alone. I can't stand it; it brings so many horrible things with it. **

**And then he sits on my bed. Even as I'm bristling up defensively, he's pushing down on my shoulder, firmly, and even though I resist, he persists. After a brief, silent struggle, I roll over onto my back unwillingly, to find that he's ready, and is leaning over me.**

**What the hell is wrong with me? What the fuck is he _doing_?! **

**"Squall, you can't run from this. You can't fight it. Hyne knows I've tried … Just accept it. I have."**

**I stare up at him, unable to force the words out past my suddenly dry mouth. It feels like I'll need sandpaper just to open it.**

**"I love you, Squall."**

**How can he say it so calmly? Does he really mean it? If I give in to it … I'm afraid. I am so shit faced terrified right now, I don't know if I can stand it. I'm going to _implode_, I can't _handle_ this right now, what is he _doing_ to me, how can he make me _feel_ like _this_ right _now_.**

**I think I whimper. It's all too much.**

**I think I surprised him. Squall, the great commander, the iceberg of Balamb, whimpering? Hell, I'd be surprised myself. **

**If I didn't know for a fact that that isn't the real Squall. Well, some of it is. But would the iceberg of Balamb wish to be able to fly? Would he go through all this trouble simply to make Zell forgive him? Or to hear Zell say he loves him one more time …**

**Did I just say that? I think I did… at least … I hope I did.**

**"Squall? Are you ok?" he sounds worried, and as I stare up at him, a realization, blinding in its reality hits me. Could it be? After all this time …**

**Deciding that there was no time like the present, I simply lift my head and catch his lips with my own. **

**It takes him a few seconds to get over the shock, and then he lets out a sound like a muffled sob and a gasp and starts kissing me back. Fiercely, desperately, feverishly, I didn't know anyone could kiss like this.**

**He pulls back when it's getting obvious that we need air to survive, and he just stares at me blankly.**

**"Zell…"**

**"Wow …" he whispers. "You know, I've dreamed of how you would kiss … and none of those dreams lived up to the real thing …"**

**I blushed slightly. "Zell, I …"**

**"Shut up Squall." He speaks fondly and gives me a small grin. "Don't say anything that could ruin it."**

**I shut up. I wasn't really sure what I was going to say anyway.**

**He leans down slowly and hugs me. I stiffen up a second, and then slowly hug him back. His arms tighten for a moment, and then he gets up.**

**"I'll see you in the morning, Commander." And that teasing note is back.**

**I turn to face his bed and close my eyes drowsily. It _has_ been a long day.**

**He speaks one more time. "Squall? What are we going to do?"**

**I think about it for a while, and when I answer, I can tell he's almost asleep. "I'll let Rinoa go …"**

**And I just know, even in the dim light, that he was smiling as he slept. Just like I did.**


End file.
